Re-upload Of ‘AnXiEtY’ Poem – Behind The Scenes

I didn’t really want to start with a deep, meaningful upload, but i feel the need to track back in time and explain some things you may have seen from me in the past. Once these are out the way, i’ll throw some varied content out there, so it’s not all doom and gloom! Hang in there!

Mid 2019, i was going through a rather difficult time in my head. After a strong couple of years, where i had been coping well, staying strong and positive, i suffered a slight setback. On this occassion, instead of keeping everything trapped, i decided to unleash the venom inside; this mildly dark collection of negativity. I really wasn’t sure what i had to gain from this, perhaps an unwanted call of ‘oh what an attention seeker’, or ‘man up, get over it already’, as that’s certainly what the demon inside my head was telling me. Yet, to my absolute pleasant surprise, the angel shone through. There was an outpour of positivity in reaction to the poem, a collectiveness within my Facebook community; one which understood, supported and most importantly, communicated.

Clearly i wasn’t alone (i’ll point out at this stage, that i was inspired by a couple of my friends’ recent posts on the same topic, they gave me the confidence to take a leap of faith and drizzle my thoughts on to paper). People power works. All it takes is for one person to step up, and others will follow. So i did….and it was the best thing i could have done! It released so much that was building up inside, i just felt this uppermost sigh of relief, a chance for a fresh start in my mind. You would hear the expression ‘talk, if you’re feeling down, just talk to someone, we are all here for everyone’. I was very skeptical at first, and pressing the submit button to publish my poem to the world was extremely tough. But i was brave. In the face of adversity i showed courage.

I still have my days which are difficult, like most of us do, but as a whole, I’m so much better since coming out of the ‘mental health’ closet.

Below, is a copy of the poem. I have written in brackets extended thoughts on each segment, how i was feeling at the time, or how someone in that situation might be feeling. I wanted to try and capture not only how i felt, but also to understand how others may be feeling. From some of the feedback i received, i did just that!

AnXiEtY (The title is disordered, chaotic, uneven; a nod to how our minds can feel sometimes)

Shall I remark hello or just shy away?
(Starting conversations, ugh, that’s opening up a can of worms! Sometimes it’s easier to just smile)
Because I’m just too nervous at what I might say. (What if i say something negative? Something unusual? Will they be worried? I’d rather avoid something like that)

If they reply back, what happens next?

I want to talk but these thoughts make me feel too perplexed. (How much information do you share? Do you blabber, do you keep it short and simple, do you open up, put up your defence…all these thoughts racing within a few seconds)

So I avoid eye contact and just carry on.

But what if this came across as rude, is our friendship now gone?
(After all, i just ignored this person, but i didn’t mean to! It was just easier this way…)
I constantly think about our next meeting, (Now the pressure is really on, i can’t ignore two times in a row)

How is it that we shall be greeting? (A smile or words?)

I beg for them to stop me and chat,

This way I can nod along, be interested and all that. (I’d rather listen to them, then have to talk about myself)

Oh no, they just asked how I am?

Why does it matter, although I’m happy they give a damn. (I’ll just lie, say something nice, but at least they had the courage. Mental high five!)

I’ll reply with some mumbled words hoping they’ll leave me be, (I’ve said enough)

This anxiety has a hold of me, why can’t they see? (More irony here, as they probably do see, but it’s that seed of doubt within everything that causes the anxiety)



My phone vibrates as my friend is concerned,

I saw them in the street earlier but away I turned. (Again, it’s easier to avoid than to confront)

There are so many things I want to tell them,

How they’ve always been there for me, what an actual gem! (Love you, really)

But I’m feeling too unstable with every vibration, (The more they want to talk, the more pressure i feel)

If I let it go to voicemail, I can pretend there is no complication.

I’ll see them tomorrow and I will gather the courage to speak,

However in reality, I’ll panic and just freak. (Conversation would go fine in reality, but those negative thoughts eat away…)



I sit here in my room, wandering why I am so alone,

Yet I know the reason for this, so I’ll let out a groan. (I’m avoiding conversation, yet i want conversation. That’s just silly, right! Doh!)

Scrolling through my social feed, wishing I was a part of their interesting lives, (They all seem so happy on Facebook, how do they do it!)

I should make some plans, but it’s here that my anxiety thrives. (Again, it’s that nervousness about not holding myself together in the public eye)

I have so many desires, aspirations and dreams,

But my thoughts are out of control, and my voice screams. (Will i ever get through this?)

To cope with this ever present attack,

We must try to refocus, take a step back. (Just realise that we are all fighting our own battles, and don’t be afraid to face yours with everyone else)

Perhaps the person across from you is feeling the same,

We should always acknowledge each other, not just place the blame.
(Talk is therapy)
Because those who really care will not judge your actions, (You have to come to terms with reality, people do care and it’s just your own mind suggesting otherwise)

As long as you approach them with good intentions. (Be nice, and the world will smile back)

Find your strength from within, I know it is there,

To live your life without fear, that’s only fair. (Don’t beat yourself up over things, and don’t worry about the things you have no control over)

The next time you feel uncomfortable and you want to despair,

Take some deep breaths, we all need a little air. (This really works for me. It made sound like a sigh, but really I’m just controlling myself!)

Compose yourself, try something new, (upload your thoughts through poem on Facebook, anyone?)

Maybe you will find the solution, that is deep inside of you. (If it’s broke, fix it. Don’t let it rot away, be proactive and try to figure a way to solve!)

Every now and then, try to reach out from your comfort zone,

Hopefully one day you’ll begin to adapt and not feel so alone. (It’s just one day at a time, you got this)

Just once in your life, maybe you can feel some relief,

From this burden lurking over you,

Be strong believe. (Hmm, that’s easier said than done, but it’s better to try and be upbeat than to rest on your laurels)
I just want the chance to show everyone my true personality,

Not to keeping living, with this wretched AnXiEtY.