SPEED DATING

THE PROLOGUE

Before I digest the speed dating event by itself, I just wanted to give you a background as to what might have led me to this point. A point in life where I finally became comfortable to take a plunge, to take a shot in the dark and to put myself in the firing line of all these single ladies. I may go off course a little, but I will try to round all my thoughts up to circle back to how it reflects my dating/relationship history. I’ve actually gone much deeper than I first envisioned, but the emotions took over me and I felt the context was needed to fully understand my frame of mind.

In my youth, teen years, I was always very shy. I always had lots I wanted to say, don’t get me wrong, but I always had this anxiety of being shot down by those around me. I had a good band of friends, sure, although I never really felt like I could I speak my mind, to a full extent. So, taking a back seat in social circles, a back seat in school lessons, I became a very good listener. I enjoyed listening, and through listening it shaped the way that I view society. I feel like I understand people, and from that i believe i have developed good people skills. I see you. The problem here is, I am way too trustworthy. I always tend to see the good in people, give them a chance, or one too many, and this eventually gave me major trust issues. Like us all, I have had my fair share of trusts broken. I have learnt that people can be greedy, selfish and go to great lengths to protect themselves. Is this just human nature? Are we bound to put ourselves before anyone else, to survive in this world? I would hope not, and I truly believe there is enough good in the world to overcome this selfishness, this devil inside of us all which wants nothing but to live and go to extreme lengths to ensure it gets its way.

Now, this makes me feel uneasy when it comes to meeting someone. How do we trust this person so easily? Love is often blind, love does not recognise crucial matters, it builds an illusion of a perfect partner, and one we will go to great lengths to defend. Many of you will have found ‘the one’ by now, and I have many happy couples in my life to know that true love is very possible. While I’m here, can I congratulate you all. You all threw yourself into the deep end, opened all your defences to allow the other person into your life. You showed courage and bravery, and I’m sure you and your partner have worked extremely hard to keep your relationship flourishing to a point where you have achieved total trust within one another. As a side note, that is my dream. To succeed in finding that one person who gets me, accepts me, my flaws and my annoyances, sees past everything and finds my soul. My soul which is hurt, but is also full of so much love. Can you see what is happening here? I have been so intent on finding ‘the one’ over the years, that I have set my bar way too high. I have been in some good relationships but have freaked out at the first sign of imbalance. My commitment issues have been at the forefront of me not finding someone. My insecurities have stopped me in the past, they’ve developed excuses for me to avoid social events where I might meet people. I’ll be frank with myself; I haven’t given myself the opportunities to meet someone over the years. Whether it be my shyness (unable to show my personality in a relationship), my trust issues (I like you, but can I trust you?), or, at the opposite end of the spectrum, where love has blinded me and allowed someone in who ends up breaking my heart.

I’d wager that the main reason I am single right now is because of my inability to get out there and meet people. Let me explain. Once I became old enough to paint the town red (go out drinking with my friends), I’d always watch as they meet girls on the dance-floor, at the bar, out and about, and easily allow themselves to connect with someone. My problem was, they were drunk, the other person was drunk, neither of them of is thinking straight, is this what they want? I felt this way. I would be slightly drunk (yeah, yeah, stop lying Matt, you’d very intoxicated after shots of slippery nipples and bloody mary’s!), and this confused my feelings. I never felt I could trust the other person under the influence of alcohol. My insecurities would lead me to believe they didn’t want to meet me and were only doing so because of their own mixed feelings. A one night stand has never been my thing, i guess i wanted something serious at a young age and a night out was not the most suited time for finding something serious. In a nutshell, I was never open to meeting someone on a night out, or at least, my anxiety didn’t allow that. Then, there’s meeting someone socially, during the day. Again, my shyness overcomes me and I’ve found it difficult to get my words out. My mind would often be racing with thoughts, but I’ve struggled with the process of expressing them. And so, I’ve been unable to connect with people this way. Perhaps it’s just bad luck that I haven’t met anyone yet, or perhaps it’s through my own undoing. Then there’s my love of romance films, you know, the ones with all those happy endings and seemingly impossible to imagine scenarios where people meet and just hit it off. I have always desired these situations, and I guess they do happen in real life, too, but I have become so obsessed over the years with a ‘perfect meeting’ that I have perhaps just given up, how can that happen when I am unable to let myself go?

I’m going to mention briefly, the loneliness which comes with being single. I won’t go too deep into this, however I feel it’s important. The longer I have been single, the more alone I have felt. The more I have secluded myself from society. Loneliness eats at you, it makes you feel not worthy, it makes you feel insecure. You’d scroll your social media news feed and see everybody else’s ‘perfect’ lives, you’ll wish you had that and with each passing day, you’ll sink further and further into loneliness. I had a dark stage in my mid 20’s with this, and I am forever thankful for coming out of the other side of this grim tunnel. This dark tunnel full of terrible nightmares, waking with terror, this tunnel of sadness and self-pity. The feeling that nobody loves you and you’d just wallow within yourself, watching sad TV programmes and hitting that sad music playlist button, to try and find a comfort which ironically just made things worse, without realising at the time. The loneliness would make you question if you’re better off alone; who would even want to be with you and your pathetic existence?

I think I can pinpoint the day I started to turn myself around. It was my 27^th birthday, and after receiving such wonderful gifts from family and friends, I decided to take myself out for the day for a little mind decluttering and mental health detoxing. Once I arrived, after a train journey of thoughts, I felt a small weight lift off my shoulder. Watching people out and about, they all seemed kind, I was noticing positive aspects, and I even interacted with some strangers who were also very friendly. I can’t really explain what happened that day, but it was certainly a day I was thankful for. I felt something within me change, perhaps a small release of built up emotions. Now, the following years were still a struggle somewhat, but my nightmares had all but disappeared, my outlook on life had become brighter. September 2017, I went on my first date in years. I matched with someone online and found the courage to arrange a meeting. This was a big step. Whilst the date was nice, we were clearly world’s apart. That’s fine, at least I was now willing to put myself out there. A couple of months later I met someone else, and after several dates I began to like this person…only to suddenly never hear from them again. This was a bit of a kick in the teeth, in all honesty. There I was, ready to accept, and just like that, my confidence took a massive dent. My trust issues came running of the closet. That sounds silly, it was only a one-month thing, but it really hurt me.                                                     

I have been rebuilding ever since. In the last few months, I have reconnected with an old friend, and they’ve really helped to encourage me to put myself back on the map. It’s a push I have needed, and with their help, I’m at a stage now where I am becoming more confident. In fact, it was them who suggested speed dating, and whilst I tried to think of excuses not to go, I signed up. I guess it was also that new year feeling, ‘new year, new me, this is my year’, which usually only lasts a few weeks before I’d lose motivation and end up back where I was. This year feels different. 2020. Is this the year?

For those of you who are currently feeling a little blue, don’t worry. I don’t feel I actually did anything to change my state of mind, it just…happened. Over time, the scars healed, the confidence grew, the fears lifted. Perhaps I did begin to love myself, a little. That’s important. We are all beautiful creations. Think of the impossible past which has led you to being alive in this moment. Well done, you made it here, you know? Be thankful for all your ancestors, be thankful to all your friends and family who have supported you, and I cannot stress this enough, be thankful to yourself. Ultimately, you have the power to control your destiny, and if you look at what humans are capable of achieving….well, my friend, the world is your oyster. If it hasn’t happened for you yet, then hang in there, champ! I believe in you! Just sprinkle a dose of self love and your journey to happiness might well begin.

SPEED DATING – THE EVENT

Date – 04/02/2020

Location – Mambo, Taunton

Cost: £15

(A question for you to consider: Do you think there were more males or more females present?)

I booked this event online mid-January, after advice from a friend: – ‘what have you got to lose?’. I gained a certain amount of adrenaline from this, knowing that in a few weeks I would be living the experience. Having been on only a handful of dates in the previous four or five years, booking this did take a lot of courage, although signing up to the website and paying £15 really wasn’t much of a choir. New year, new me, and I was feeling a lot more excited than I had originally imagined (to be honest, when I booked it, I probably thought I would just flunk out last minute). My plan was not to overthink this event. And so, I put it to the back of my mind, until a week before where I started to construct some preparations. Which questions shall I ask, how shall I greet them, what should I wear etc. The thing that gave me the most anxiety was the arrival and the ten-minute break in between the event. I know that once I was sat down on the dates, I would be okay.  For example, what do I do when I get there, considering sign in is fifteen minutes before kick-off? Do I stand around circling my thumbs, looking aloof, do I mingle, even though I’m going to be going on dates with some of these people? And then the ten-minute break in between, what would I do with myself there?! Ugh, now you’re overthinking Matt!

The day had arrived. I Was feeling super confident. Helped by the fact I had already got my blog up and running, I had already received lots of love and support, I actually found myself raring to go! Weird, I really couldn’t picture that, less than a month ago. Just before leaving, a friend popped by with a piece of luck (literally, a stone which is traditionally supposed to bring luck). I decided to walk to the event, to take some deep breaths and prepare my mind for what was to come. Squeezing the stone tightly, wishing for luck, I arrived at Mambo precisely for signing in time. Mambo is a lovely bar/restaurant with a peaceful ambience during the day which transforms into a popular night-goers destination on a Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. There was no sign of life (i.e. the representative for the night was nowhere to be seen) so I headed to the bar to order a drink. Sure, now I was starting to feel a little nervous. The guy next to me, at the bar, asked the barman where the speed dating would take place. This was my opportunity to mingle, and not to be stood around awkwardly. I ordered my drink (Old Mout Cider – the barman’s choice for which flavour to go for…surprise me why not!) and got chatting to this fellow. This was a rather strange experience; it felt like you were asking this person the same questions you would be asking on the dates to follow. I guess it was an unusual sort of warm up to prepare your vocal cords and ease your mind into the process of conversing with complete strangers. After a couple of minutes of small talk, one of the girls arrived, I presume she heard us talking about the event and took her opportunity to mingle, too. This was even more awkward, an unwanted triangle of conversation, feeling left out when they were talking to each other, yet not really wanting to talk too much to her as a date was to follow. I did ease up after a few minutes, allowing myself to open up and join in the conversation naturally. We all did begin to feel more comfortable and few laughs and few awkward silences later, we were called upstairs to where event would be taking place.

I was at the front of this line, so was the first to greet the event representative as everyone gathered for a quick debriefing. This enabled the first opportunity to scope out your competition and to eye up any potential matches to come (hmm, there seems to be a real shortage of the female variety in attendance…?). Here, the rep explained that there are six tables numbered one to six. The females will stay at their designated tables, whilst the males will rotate clockwise, every four minutes (the duration of the date). Okay, so there are nine males and only six females, better up my game then with plenty of competition out there! I also felt a little bit underwhelmed, the website had advertised ten of each sex would be present, although i guess they really cannot help it if people decide not to turn up. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I found this bizarre. I would have thought that speed dating appealed more to the ladies of this world? Maybe it’s coincidence, maybe it’s me being out of touch with the dating environment, either way, I wished the numbers were reversed. Anyway, that was just a slight dampener, but I didn’t let it affect me (after all, it just meant I had less dates to worry about). I placed the number one sticker (*insert cool face emoji*) with my name on, onto my denim jacket, and waited for the others to collect their own stickers. We then strolled over to our tables as we collected more information. It was explained that, as one of the girls was in a wheelchair, and there was no wheelchair access to the upstairs (the rep looked a little embarrassed), her and one other girl would be seated downstairs.

I sat down at the first table, joined by my date. This was the girl who I had previously met at the bar downstairs. Now I was a little unsure as to whether we should be conversing straight away, given that we were told to wait for the bell so our date could begin. But, as not to be sat around in silence, we started with the date. This was very convenient, as we began to find we had plenty in common the more we dissected each other’s hobbies and interests. The bell rang but we were already well into our stride in terms of the date. Phew, this was a very settling start to the night, just what I needed to calm the nerves and become more relaxed. The conversation flowed naturally, and I was feeling a connectio… *BELL RINGS* Ah god dammit!! Okay, now that was a quick four minutes! Here I should mention we were also given little notebooks, with a pen, when signing in. The idea was to jot down some quick notes after each date, so you wouldn’t forget who was who by the end of the night. This confused me a little, as I didn’t know whether to jot these notes whilst I was still at the table or wait until I moved onto my next date. With a guy waiting to sit at my table, I assumed the latter. So I paced to table number 2, sat down and got ready to take some notes *BELL RINGS* whaaaaat, help meeee! I asked my date if I could have some seconds to write down some things (I guess the females had time to make notes when the men were switching tables) and I quickly realised this was probably a little rude as it was eating away valuable seconds. So I splashed a few key words on the paper and placed my book to one side. This date felt a lot more formal, whilst we had lots in common (she had my dream job as a journalist/ football commentator) I never really felt any chemistry. Still, we always had something to talk about and she seemed really nice. The conversation was flowing before the bell rung again and I was forced to move on to date number 3. I decided to ditch the note making this time as not to intrude on this date, as I made myself comfortable whilst greeting with a soft handshake. I was instantly attracted, my eyes gazing upon hers warmly, as I proceeded with my usual ice breaker question; ‘If you could wake up tomorrow and visit any country, to see any band or artist perform, which country and performer would you choose?’ Teehee, sure, this is a tough question for anyone on the spot, and I watched intently as her mind scurried to try and find an answer. Sadly, she couldn’t think of one, and the date began to diminish the longer it went on. It was clear we were not well suited for each other, although I did enjoy her stories about the army and deep-sea adventures. The bell rang, in relief for the first time. Except, it was now break time! We both had half full glasses of alcohol, so we had no reason to visit the bar (no escape from this one, Matt!).  I suggested we carry on talking, anyways, and reluctantly or not she agreed. It was a nice enough chat, and I thought I may have well as make the most of this experience in any case; I would gain more out of conversing, than not.

The ten-minute break had passed, and I rotated over to date number four. It had been mentioned by date number three, that date number four was her friend, who she came with, so I was a little bit apprehensive as I sat down. Ahh, it was a joy to behold that I was welcomed with the most glorious smile! The date seemed fun, bubbly, and also interested in me, which was a really nice feeling. Sadly, we were pretty far apart in terms of hobbies and interests, and as lovely as the date was, I wasn’t sure if we were a match or not going forward. We exchanged pleasantries as I left the table and eagerly made my way downstairs for my final two dates. The dates were still in progress, presumably having not heard the bell, so my arrival was met with confusion. I sympathised with date number five, it was much colder down here, and it felt a little bit secluded from the rest of the event. Nevertheless, it was a welcome change of scenery and date number five was very much my type. She seemed quite shy, so I was happy to take up conversation starting duties. After a hesitant beginning, we soon made a connection, and wow, did it blow my mind! Her favourite film was Titanic, I mean, come on, what chance did I have, she may as well had wrapped up my heart and stuck it in her pocket at this point, she could do no wrong! We then found more in common and just as I started hearing wedding bells, they were taken over by the sound of the other bell, instead. Me and this bell were not friends, anymore. With date number six, we enjoyed bundles of laughter. I don’t think we stopped laughing the whole way through, in fact, as I let loose all my charm and humour into my final few minutes of the event. She was an absolute pleasure to be around, although the attraction wasn’t quite there for me.

Now I joined the losers table, with two other guys who also didn’t have a date to go on (nine males, six females; may i ask that you do the maths!). This was my next twelve minutes, sat around exchanging needless chit-chat with other guys who joined me at various times. Ah, I forgot to mention! At the back of the signing in queue at the start, I glimpsed upon a friend I knew from football! Small world, huh? He joined me at the table for the last four minutes of the event, and we enjoyed a nice little catch up. Strangely enough, we talked about how our team might be folding at the end of the season, and well, the very next day it did! Spoooooky. I was also grateful for his appearance, as he told me I had got some of my dates muddled up in my notes! After minutes of total chaos trying to figure out just what on earth I had done wrong (I’ll definitely need a solution for note taking, if I did this again!) we managed to correct the girls to their relevant numbers, but everything was so scrambled I couldn’t make any sense of it all anymore. It was highly embarrassing asking the rep for another notebook, to be honest…

The dates had all finished, and the event rep now told us what should happen next. The following morning, we’d have to log in to our accounts and from there we will ‘tick’ the people we would like to see again. If they tick you, also, then you would get a match and be given their details to further communicate.

It seemed as if most were happy to hang around and mingle some more. However, it was pushing on 10pm and I had work at 5am the next morning, so i wasn’t particularly able to stay any longer. I said my farewells to everybody, the females each receiving a kind, warm hug, and the guys a more macho handshake. I left in high spirits, feeling great about myself. I had a few potential matches amongst the dates I had been on, so I was rather keen for the next morning to arrive so I could log on and ‘tick’ the ones I would like to see again. As soon as the email came through, confirming the system was now ready, I raced to the website to submit my ‘ticks’. I decided I would like to meet two out of the six again, ticking their boxes and then refreshing the site every hour in anticipation of a match or two. As it turns out, four out of the six girls would have liked to have seen me again (I would call that a success, myself!), although I had just the one match. I noted the details and messaged her later that night. Sadly, I never heard back, so I didn’t achieve a second date from the experience. With that being said, I gained an incredible amount of confidence, especially considering I managed a good score of four out of six ticks!

Would I recommend the event to anyone else? 100%. As I mentioned earlier, what do you have to lose? Where else would you be able to meet six or more single ladies within one night? The venue was excellent for such an occasion (although I did feel bad for the two dates who were away from the main action), the host was very welcoming and informative, and the range of different personalities at the event was especially nice.

What does the future hold for me? I’m not so sure. I have certainly been given a huge boost from the experience and will hopefully be more engaging with the female of the species in times to come. I am currently on a highly recommended dating site, although i’m having no such luck on there at the present time. I guess this leaves one thing, Matt. Get yourself out there, go to social events, be more open to things.